“Boy, That Escalated Quickly”

HOLLYWOOD — In what witnesses described as the first known case of a Hollywood liberal making eye contact with reality and surviving, Anchorman director Adam McKay reportedly stared into the camera and announced that white liberals may be the most unbearable species currently roaming the planet, sources have confirmed.

“White liberals are like if a Whole Foods receipt became a person and immediately accused your plumber of fascism,” McKay reportedly said as a jazz flute began weeping in the distance.

“They are rich people pretending to be poor, powerful people pretending to be oppressed, and adults who think putting a yard sign in front of a $1.8 million house counts as combat.”

Witnesses say McKay then unloaded on Kamala Harris’ word salads, Clinton scandal fumes, Obama’s celebrity sainthood, and Biden’s historic ability to fall asleep halfway through his own legacy.

“These people sip $14 oat milk lattes, call themselves anti-capitalist, then Venmo-request their housekeeper for using the wrong compost bin,” McKay continued.

The crowd fell silent as several attendees realized they were not watching satire, but being medically diagnosed by it.

McKay then whispered, “Stay classy, white liberals,” before jazz-fluting his way off stage.

As of press time, white liberals were drafting Substack essays titled Actually, Being Mocked By Adam McKay Is A Form Of Violence while secretly Googling whether Bass Pro Shops sells MAGA hats in “book club neutral.”