The same leftists who spent years demanding “common sense gun reform” are now bravely explaining that armed revolutionaries are actually fine as long as they have the right bumper stickers, sources have confirmed.
The clarification came after several progressive commentators discovered that guns, previously described as evil death machines, can become “tools of community empowerment” when held by someone who says “equity” at least twice before loading them.
“Guns are bad when owned by rural dads, grandmas, veterans, small business owners, or anyone who knows what caliber means,” explained one activist while unveiling a new program called Background Checks For Thee, Tactical Vests For Me.
“But if the gun is carried by someone with a Mamdani poster and student debt, that’s democracy in motion.”
Democrats quickly updated their official platform to explain that Americans have no right to defend their homes, but select left-wing groups may defend “the revolution,” “the vibe,” and “whatever we just broke.”
Chicago officials praised the nuance, noting that despite having enough gun laws to wallpaper Wrigley Field, the city’s violence problem could finally be solved by making sure only politically approved people are armed.
Experts called the position “morally consistent,” assuming morality now means losing an argument and changing every rule mid-sentence.
As of press time, Democrats had announced a new gun safety plan requiring all firearms to be confiscated from citizens and redistributed to activists with verified pronouns.
