Senator John Fetterman of Pennsylvania has had it up to here with his fellow Democrats’ car alarms blaring incessantly in the Capitol parking lot, sources have confirmed.
The towering senator, known for his everyman attire and no-nonsense demeanor, reportedly reached his breaking point this Tuesday when a particularly obnoxious alarm played the entirety of “The Star-Spangled Banner” in what seemed like an endless loop.
“It’s like a bad episode of ‘Pimp My Ride’ out there,” Fetterman grumbled to reporters after a particularly noisy afternoon that disrupted not only his nap but also an important committee meeting. “If I hear ‘chirp chirp’ one more time, I’m issuing my own executive order,” he half-joked.
The issue has become so pervasive that Capitol Police have considered setting up a ‘quiet zone’ around the Senate side of the parking lot, proposing fines for excessively loud vehicle alerts. Meanwhile, some senators have taken a more humorous approach, suggesting a Senate resolution to replace all car alarms with recordings of Fetterman saying, “Hey, cut it out!”
As of press time, an underground market for vintage, non-electronic car keys was booming among staffers, while Fetterman was spotted distributing earplugs with his campaign logo.
I am hoping to enroll in Medicare after my measly teacher’s pension runs out! It’s already gone.