Dems Demand Pay for Furloughed Staff, Cite “Emotional Labor of Pretending to Govern”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries has announced that Democrats will “demand full pay for furloughed congressional staff” during the ongoing government shutdown, sources have confirmed.

“This isn’t about greed,” Jeffries told reporters while straightening his government-funded tie.

“It’s about the emotional strain of being asked to stop doing what we already don’t do.”

The announcement came just days after GOP lawmakers proposed a bill to ensure all furloughed federal employees — except members of Congress — would continue receiving pay during the shutdown.

Jeffries immediately objected, arguing, “That’s not fair — we deserve our paid time off like everyone else who’s not working!”

Taxpayers, however, noted little difference between “furloughed” and “Tuesday.” One D.C. resident told reporters, “If they paid for results, this town would’ve gone bankrupt during the Carter administration.”

Jeffries’ plan reportedly includes “back pay for unfulfilled promises” and “hazard bonuses” for interns forced to look busy during C-SPAN coverage.

A GOP aide commented, “It’s nice to see them finally working hard — at making not working profitable.”

As of press time, Democrats were drafting a follow-up bill to pay members for “the emotional labor of pretending to govern,” complete with wellness stipends and taxpayer-funded fidget spinners to “ease the burden of democracy.” One taxpayer was overheard shouting, “You guys already get paid to do nothin’!”