Hollywood insiders revealed today that activists are pushing for a “Director’s Woke Cut” of American Pie, in which the apple pie not only consents to Jim’s advances, but also delivers a TED Talk about “the importance of crust boundaries,” sources have confirmed.
The new version requires every punchline be followed by mandatory prerecorded applause, triggered automatically by a government-issued “Comedy Equity Monitor” to ensure viewers laugh at only the correct moments.
Psychiatrists and local mental health leaders quickly chimed in, reminding the public that consent is a concept intended for human beings—before nervously adding that if the woke movement continues down this path, Americans may soon need to ask permission before eating Jell-O, pudding, or even Goldfish crackers.
“We’re one step away from someone filing assault charges on behalf of a Pop-Tart,” one exhausted therapist muttered while filling out paperwork for a cookie’s emotional support animal.
Critics from the Woke Comedy Coalition praised the edit, saying it “finally removes the oppressive burden of free laughter” and “bravely replaces humor with instructional applause.”
Netflix has already shown interest in buying the rights, provided the pie also identifies as non-binary and delivers a closing stand-up routine about climate change.
As of press time, sources report the pie has signed a three-special deal with Netflix, co-starring a diversity-trained Jell-O mold and a gender-neutral spatula.
Is this what happens from eating Fruit Cake?
No, this shit comes from smoking too much weed and shooting up heroin.
I always thought Nadia’s Adam’s apple looked a bit large ! Hmmmm…