Minneapolis police this week proudly announced a brand new crime classification allowing evidence to disappear before investigators even bother asking for it, sources have confirmed
The groundbreaking policy permits organizations facing uncomfortable questions to report that all relevant paperwork was tragically stolen sometime before anyone thought to request it.
Police say this modern approach reflects the city’s values of trust, vibes, and not making things awkward.
“This saves everyone time,” said one official while gesturing toward a suspicious hole in a wall labeled contextual damage.
“Especially the people who definitely did nothing wrong.”
Under the new guidelines, missing documents are presumed to have existed, been exonerating, and been taken by a burglar with an advanced understanding of compliance law and federal grant requirements.
Detectives are instructed to express concern, recommend counseling, and remind reporters that asking follow-up questions fuels extremism.
Community advocates applauded the move, calling it trauma-informed policing.
“Evidence can be harmful,” explained one consultant earning six figures to say that out loud. “Not all truths are inclusive.”
Critics argue the policy effectively turns fraud investigations into performance art, but city leaders dismissed those claims as divisive and suspiciously curious.
As of press time Minneapolis police confirmed the next phase will include pre-emptive audit failures and emotionally supportive explanations for missing billions
This article better be a joke and their is nothing funny about this! Republicans better get behind this, and actually bring charges, this is a HUGE FRAUD situation 🤬
The site is satire.
Agree time for many to be Fired all benefits revoked, prosecuted and long prison sentences at hard labor, like picking fruit, working on farms, to pay for their long stay, all assets property confiscated, and turned into the Social Security to replace what these criminals have been stealing for generations
Good one !!!