After an emergency group therapy session at a Starbucks in West Hollywood, where progressive values were reaffirmed and personal responsibility was blamed on capitalism, sources have confirmed.
Jimmy Kimmel, Stephen Colbert, and Jimmy Fallon exited the building clutching identical scripts stamped “Operation: We’re Right, They’re Wrong”
Witnesses say the three appeared visibly shaken after learning President Trump had done the unthinkable: successfully captured a foreign dictator without starting a war, apologizing on camera, or consulting a panel of emotional support activists.
Frantic memos allegedly distributed by “Deep Left HQ” warned that Trump’s effectiveness posed an existential threat to the progressive agenda, which relies entirely on the premise that Republicans are evil.
With no foreign policy failure to mock, late-night hosts reportedly defaulted to the only remaining option: blame Epstein.
“One rule never changes,” explained an anonymous late-night writer while nervously sipping oat milk.
“If Trump does something good, it must secretly be a crime. If it’s not a crime yet, we’ll workshop one.”
Kimmel reportedly insisted the operation had to be a distraction, stating, “No president is allowed to succeed unless we voted for him.”
Fallon’s teleprompter allegedly froze forcing him to improvise that Trump’s New Year’s resolution was to distract Americans from things Democrats already blamed him for anyway.
Colbert later clarified the official progressive position:
“If Trump does nothing, he’s guilty. If Trump does something, he’s hiding something. And if Trump succeeds, democracy is clearly under attack.”
As of press time Democrats were still trying to tell Venezuelans their wrong, Madure is innocent, but only if they forget they said that during election time.
Edit better. Their? They are or they’re.
democrats are just jealous because they don’t have the balls to do anything positive for the American people. So, they try to assassinate and/or make shit up about their opposition.