In an unprecedented display of accidental self-awareness, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon are reportedly scheduled to go completely dark in honor of Stephen Colbert’s cancellation, giving Americans time to gather the family and prepare for the funniest late-night broadcast in years: a blank screen, sources have confirmed.
Across America, families are already preparing watch parties around turned-off televisions for one blessed evening free from anti-Trump sermonettes, fake laughter, and multimillionaires in designer sneakers explaining why conservative breathing is a threat to democracy.
“This is peak entertainment, and it hasn’t even aired yet,” said a viewer in Ohio who has not laughed at a late-night monologue since Biden was promising hope and change instead of book deals and coastal lectures.
Dogs are expected to sleep better.
Grandpas are expected to reclaim the remote.
Families are expected to enjoy a rare evening without being scolded by three wealthy men pretending jokes are activism.
Network executives are reportedly studying the historic possibility of replacing late-night programming with a permanent format called The No-Host Show, featuring no monologues, no celebrity panels, no applause signs, and no guests promoting memoirs about how orange man ruined brunch.
Insiders say the format could save $120 million a year while restoring America’s collective sanity.
As of press time, Nielsen ratings for the upcoming blank screens were already projected to crush Colbert’s final episode, a static test pattern, and a dusty VHS copy of Walker, Texas Ranger.
