Newsom Adds 5 Seats to No-Cal Politician Safe Room, Throws in Therapy Goats for Maximum Comfort

Governor Gavin Newsom today unveiled a 5-seat expansion to California’s taxpayer-funded No-Cal Politician Safe Room, a plush retreat for elected officials who don’t get their way and require immediate emotional recalibration, sources have confirmed.

Dubbed “Tantrums Are Better Together”, the newly renovated wing features organic beanbag chairs, weighted comfort cloaks made from recycled protest signs, and a constant white-noise soundtrack of NPR pledge drives.

The five new seats are already reserved for Nancy Pelosi, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Newsom himself, and two rotating “Guest Snowflakes of Honor” flown in from other states deemed “emotionally hazardous.”

Guests are encouraged to practice mindful pouting and collaborative sighing in the “Hurt Feelings Dome,” while sipping $19 lattes hand-frothed by a barista certified in political sensitivity.

Newsom defended the expansion, saying:

“Some people think politics is about debate, compromise, and serving the people. Here in California, we know it’s really about having a place to cry where Fox News can’t hear you.”

Critics in Texas were quick to respond, with Governor Greg Abbott offering to send California a shipment of “man camp” recliners and beef jerky to “toughen them up.” The offer was declined on the grounds that “jerky is emotionally abrasive.”

Pelosi reportedly praised the 5-seat expansion during the ribbon-cutting ceremony, calling it “a milestone in our fight against legislative discomfort.”

She was later spotted in the reflection pond outside the safe room practicing her “sad face” for the next appropriations meeting.

As of press time, AOC was reportedly still inside the safe room, refusing to leave until someone brought her a therapy goat and a Wi-Fi connection to stream Greta’s greatest speeches on loop.