With Chicago’s Cardinal Blase Cupich crowned as Pope Benedict XVII, the first American pontiff, Vatican City is going full Americana, opening a Chick-fil-A, Starbucks, and Portillo’s to serve Chicago’s famous Italian beef sandwiches, sources have confirmed.
The culinary takeover, greenlit by the new Pope, aims to “sanctify fast food” with nuggets, lattes, and dripping beef sandwiches, thrilling conservative Catholics who see it as a triumph of U.S. culture.
“Italian beef in Italy—perfect!” Trump posted on X, while MAGA pilgrims planned Vatican trips for a taste.
Liberals decried the “corporate desecration” of holy ground, but Vatican officials argued Starbucks’ pumpkin spice aligns with autumnal feast days.
Chick-fil-A, still closed Sundays, promises “sacred respect,” and Portillo’s vows to bless each sandwich.
As of press time, Pope Benedict XVII was spotted sipping a Frappuccino while dunking his beef sandwich in holy gravy.
Everything is a CIRCUS… and we are the clowns 😩