A shocking new study has confirmed that trace amounts of actual food have been found in several types of Lunchables brand grab-and-go meals, sources have confirmed.
“I can’t believe it, frankly,” said lead scientist Charles Vanderbilt. “But after taking a good look at the snacks a majority of our nation’s schoolchildren are subsisting on, we’ve discovered some traces of actual meat and cheese amidst the lead and sodium. Great news for all the moms and dads out there!”
Indeed, the discovery of edible content was a relief to parents around the nation.
“Oh that’s fantastic news,” said Cindy Reeves, about the stray traces of edible materials found in the ham and turkey she supplies her kids most days. “I figured I was feeding them cardboard and plastic, and I guess lead, but that’s such a relief to find out it’s not a total bust. How about all that soda they’re drinking? Are there vitamins in it or anything?”
As of press time, scientists have urged the nation’s schoolchildren to try to trade their Lunchables for something better at recess.
So, the conspiracy nuts were right all along. I’m guessing that the next big break thru will be the confirmation that there is no real cheesy in Velveeta.