WASHINGTON, D.C. Progressive leaders applauded rapper Cardi B this week for calling America “ghetto,” explaining that she was simply describing the urban environments Democrats have spent decades carefully designing, sources have confirmed
According to party officials, Cardi’s remarks were praised as “brutally honest” and “deeply academic,” despite being delivered from a luxury hotel overseas.
Former President Biden reportedly praised Cardi’s courage after aides reminded him who she was, while AOC called the comments “a powerful critique of capitalism” and Sen. Bernie Sanders applauded her for bravely condemning inequality from a location featuring marble floors and gold accents.
When critics pointed out that progressive policies on crime, policing, housing, and public order helped create the conditions now being mocked, Democrats dismissed the claim as a dangerous right-wing conspiracy theory fueled by charts, statistics, and lived reality.
One spokesperson clarified that responsibility is a concept rooted in white supremacy and should not be applied to cities run by Democrats.
Several progressive mayors thanked Cardi B for her honesty before unveiling new initiatives to combat urban decay by renaming ghettos “culturally vibrant opportunity zones” and commissioning murals explaining why visible homelessness is actually a sign of compassion.
Officials assured residents that nothing structural would change, but the messaging would be much nicer.
Republicans responded by noting that voters have been fleeing progressive cities in record numbers, prompting Democrats to accuse them of weaponizing U-Haul statistics.
Party leaders insisted people were not leaving because of crime, taxes, or cost of living, but because conservatives had made cities “feel unsafe to fail.”
GOP leaders then offered what they described as a compassionate compromise, suggesting that anyone who hates America that much was welcome to stay abroad permanently and join Rosie O’Donnell in Ireland, where they could criticize the United States from a safe distance with reliable Wi-Fi.
As of press time progressive leaders were still confused why voters keep leaving the cities they run while insisting everything is working exactly as intended and reminding critics that America is optional but their opinions are not.
