Federal officials parachuted a Labor Department “strike team” into California this week after learning the state accidentally converted $21 billion in unemployment funds into what insiders are calling “abstract economic art,” sources have confirmed.
Governor Gavin Newsom reportedly reacted with Oscar-level astonishment, staring into the distance as if he’d just discovered money does not, in fact, regenerate like kale. “Missing?” he asked.
“We prefer the term socially redistributed into the atmosphere.”
An 83-page audit described fraud so ambitious it briefly qualified for venture capital funding.
Investigators uncovered claims from imaginary yoga studios, freelance houseplants, and at least three Labradoodles listed as diversity consultants.
One applicant allegedly identified as a “seasonal cloud.”
State officials defended the payments as proof California fosters innovation.
“In Silicon Valley they disrupt taxis,” one aide explained.
“In Sacramento we disrupt accounting.”
To recover the debt, leaders announced a bold solution:
Raising taxes on small businesses still operating out of pure stubbornness.
“If fewer businesses exist,” an advisor noted, “there are fewer people to complain.”
Meanwhile, $720 million reportedly remains stranded on prepaid debit cards, which the state has reclassified as “emergency emotional support currency.”
President Trump congratulated investigators for confirming subtraction is still federally legal, while Republicans suggested the phrase “trust but verify” might apply to billions of dollars.
Newsom insisted critics are politicizing arithmetic.
As of press time California launched a new sustainability initiative powered entirely by recycled IOUs and confident press releases.
And there are people who still think Newsom should be President in 2029?
Those people are nuts. He would destroy this country in record time.
I live in Fairfield. California, about 40 miles east of San Francisco right off of the I-80 Corridor and I am definitely part of over half the state population that would leave this state if I could. Unfortunately my wife is being treated for a very rare disease and we must stay close to U.C.S.F.M.C.
Incredibly the state legislature keeps taking it’s direction from Hollywood where the moral compass spins freely and points to whatever progressive agenda is ‘The flavor of the week’. And I DO Mean WEEK! That’s how fast Sacramento puts out frivolous legislation. No Common Sense, No Morals, No concern for the middle class, Tax Paying, Law Abiding citizenry. For some illogical reason our law makers are way more concerned about what is in the gun safes (legally owned) of their constituents then they are in protecting those constituents from criminal elements coming into this state illegally. I guess when one’s primary concern is enhancing one’s own wealth and that of one’s backers for reelection, there is no time remaining for concerns of public health and safety. This is why wildfires go unchecked with no water to fight with in one of the most prestigious neighborhoods on the planet.
Well said Peter
I’m sure Galvin and the Democrats will be saying this just proves Math is Racist !
This is what you get when you invite illegals into your state. ILLEGALS PEOPLE!!!! Time to come back to the real world you stupid pot smoking hippies. That and have Hollywood actors and actresses go to Mexico. They think they can fix anything by showing up with their makeup caked faced a give a little speech. Then they act like this is their world and we are just in the way. Guess what, a monkey can act anybody on this planet can act. You’re a joke. You get your job wrong you do retakes. Probably hundreds per movie. The best how you talked about Decaprio when he cut his with the fake skull and still filmed. You acted live he was a war hero. First off Leo you’re nothing for doing that. Secondly, real people at real jobs get no take backs or reshoots. If we don’t get it right we are fired! Now that you hippies let all of the filth jump the fence and became a sanctuary for the animals live with it and steal money like every other politician that never gets held accountable
Is Newscum that f-in stupid to still show his asshole face out in public. He is such a disgrace to the American people that they can’t stand him anymore. How do Californias keep putting up with him are they that stupid also too keep taking it in the shorts everyday from such a looser. Do they really understand how bankrupt California really is or do they not care at all. California became the West Coast Cesspool of the United States and NY became the East Coast Cesspool of the United States when you have asshole democrat leaders like Newscum and Bass to Hochul and now muslim Mamdani they are destroying this country. If you keep voting for democrats there’s no returning back.
Time for California voters to kick the corruption called Democrats out of office