PORTLAND, ME — Democrats celebrated Graham Platner’s victory in the Maine Senate primary this week by immediately evacuating their long-held moral high ground after realizing it had been built entirely out of wet cardboard, panic slogans, and old tweets they hoped nobody would screenshot, sources have confirmed.
Party officials praised Platner as “the future of democracy,” then asked reporters to stop asking about the daily scandals currently arriving faster than absentee ballots in a locked basement.
“This is not hypocrisy,” said one Democratic strategist while lowering the party’s ethics banner into a dumpster.
“This is moral flexibility. Republicans have scandals. Democrats have complex journeys.”
Insiders say the left’s imaginary high ground began fading like a daydream once voters noticed Democrats only believe in accountability when it can be pointed directly at Trump, Republicans, or someone wearing a red hat within 300 yards of a camera.
Platner thanked supporters by promising to fight corruption, defend women, restore trust, and avoid checking the news for at least 48 hours.
Progressive activists defended him, explaining that scandals are only disqualifying when they happen to people they already dislike.
“Context matters,” said one activist.
“And by context, I mean whether the person votes the way I want.”
As of press time, Democrats had replaced the moral high ground with a folding chair labeled “Good Enough For Maine,” while MSNBC prepared a special report titled Why Character Still Matters Unless It Becomes Inconvenient Before Lunch.
