WASHINGTON — Senator John Fetterman reportedly emerged from a cloud wearing a cape, gym shorts, and the exhausted expression of a man forced once again to explain obvious things to his own party, sources have confirmed.
The dramatic entrance came after Democrats who had celebrated Graham Platner as the next great working-class hero suddenly began backing away from him at Olympic speed following a wave of damaging scandal reports.
According to insiders, several party leaders immediately claimed they had never heard of Platner, despite appearing beside him in photos, fundraisers, strategy calls, campaign emails, inspirational documentaries, and one suspiciously enthusiastic group hug.
“We support accountability,” one strategist explained while quietly deleting seventeen posts.
“We just prefer it arrive after the polling memo.”
Fetterman, however, reportedly refused to join the synchronized memory loss.
“Stop allying with dirtbags,” he allegedly said, causing several consultants to faint directly onto their values statements.
Political observers described the moment as rare: a Democrat publicly reminding other Democrats that moral superiority works better when you don’t keep lending it to people under investigation.
Progressive organizers reportedly tried to calm the room by forming a circle, repeating “this is not who we are,” and checking whether the phrase still tested well with suburban voters.
As of press time, Fetterman had reportedly hung up his cape, returned to his hoodie, and reminded aides that “not backing sketchy people” should not require a superhero origin story
