HOLLYWOOD — Panic reportedly spread across Hollywood this week after Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson declined to participate in what insiders describe as the entertainment industry’s annual “Tell America How To Think” campaign, sources have confirmed.
The emergency began after actors including George Takei and Wil Wheaton publicly criticized Johnson’s reluctance to weigh into politics, while comedian Matt Rife reportedly wandered into the online food fight with popcorn and front-row seats.
According to completely reliable satirical sources, Hollywood executives immediately convened an emergency meeting to determine whether an actor could still be considered an actor if he insisted on entertaining people instead of scolding them.
“This threatens everything we’ve built,” one studio consultant allegedly cried.
“If audiences start expecting movies instead of lectures, we’re finished.”
Several celebrities reportedly denounced Johnson from the safety of gated estates using phones held by assistants standing at the perfect lighting angle.
Anonymous insiders claim each post was carefully reviewed by three publicists, two image consultants, and one emotional support life coach before being published.
Johnson, meanwhile, reportedly responded by lifting weights roughly the size of a compact car before quietly returning to work.
Moviegoers seemed confused by the outrage.
“I thought his job was making movies,” one fan shrugged.
“Apparently his real assignment was becoming my political science professor.”
As of press time, Hollywood had reportedly formed a bipartisan emergency task force to determine whether refusing to lecture America should be classified as an unauthorized act of independent thought.
