DENVER — Colorado Democrats reportedly entered full-scale panic mode this week after learning the latest politically embarrassing leak hadn’t come from Republicans, conservative media, or Elon Musk, but from Democrats themselves, sources have confirmed.
The discovery reportedly triggered an immediate five-hour emergency meeting titled, How Could Republicans Do This To Us Again?, before one nervous intern quietly raised his hand and admitted the leak had, in fact, originated inside the building.
Witnesses say the room fell silent.
According to completely reliable satirical insiders, several officials immediately demanded a recount of the leak before concluding the evidence was “deeply problematic for the narrative.”
“This isn’t how it’s supposed to work,” one anonymous strategist reportedly cried.
“The leaks are supposed to hurt Republicans, not us.”
Party consultants were quickly summoned at a reported rate of $600 an hour to determine whether blaming misinformation, AI, or climate change would somehow make the story disappear.
One consultant allegedly proposed reclassifying the leak as “unauthorized transparency,” while another suggested labeling it a “threat to democracy” until further notice.
Governor Jared Polis was reportedly unavailable for comment, though aides confirmed he briefly considered solving the crisis by launching a startup to disrupt leaking itself before deciding it would be easier to just tweet something vague about innovation.
As of press time, party leaders had reportedly issued updated confidentiality guidelines reminding employees that classified information should only be leaked when it embarrasses Republicans, never when it interrupts the agenda.
