WASHINGTON — Federal offices reportedly experienced a surge of highly motivated adults this week after rumors spread that simply “feeling newly born” might qualify them for a newborn savings benefit, sources have confirmed.
According to sources, applicants ranging from 27 to 64 years old arrived carrying pacifiers, stuffed animals, and handwritten notes from their mothers confirming they were “still her baby.”
One hopeful applicant insisted he had “newborn energy” because he still called his parents whenever the Wi-Fi stopped working.
Government clerks reportedly remained unmoved.
“We asked for a birth certificate,” one employee explained.
“Instead, he showed us a participation trophy from middle school.”
The confusion quickly escalated as several consultants offered seminars on “age fluidity for financial planning,” while others suggested applicants simply restart life from Chapter One.
Meanwhile, actual newborns reportedly continued sleeping peacefully, blissfully unaware they had become the most exclusive financial demographic in America.
Officials also noted that legitimate programs like Trump Accounts are designed to give families a real opportunity to build financial security for their children’s future—no age regression required.
As of press time, officials had clarified that qualifying as a newborn still required one surprisingly old-fashioned requirement: having been born… recently.
Likely d as one are actually trying to turn this satire into reality. As always, the illustration is brilliant.
The problem is that woke people are contaminating the world with their degenerative offspring. Cannot fix stupid, wish there was a way to shipped them off to another planet to live by themselves to fight among the idiots there.
Looking forward to identifying as a sextuplet and investing my check in the top
six of the mag 7 !