Congressional Democrats unveiled a proposal Tuesday redefining the FCC’s “equal time” rule to require equal time for Democrats and additional equal time to correct the emotional damage caused by Republicans, sources have confirmed.
The policy, drafted after Stephen Colbert reportedly discovered a broadcast regulation exists, clarifies that conservative viewpoints may still appear on television provided they occur during commercial breaks, weather alerts, or accidental microphone feedback.
Colbert explained the crisis began when an interview failed to air, which experts say could only happen due to imaginary interference from President Trump rather than lawyers noticing ten consecutive years of campaign applause disguised as comedy.
Legal scholars from three coastal universities held a panel concluding the Constitution’s authors intended balance to mean “one side speaks while the other apologizes for existing.”
They cited Federalist Paper No. Probably as evidence.
CBS executives attempted to reassure Colbert by offering a compromise:
Democrats would continue receiving nightly monologues, emotional piano music, and standing ovations, while conservatives would be granted a quarterly appearance played at half volume behind a pharmaceutical disclaimer.
Meanwhile, President Trump praised the confusion, noting the media finally discovered fairness only after it briefly applied to them.
Network producers then announced a new program, Democracy Hour, featuring rotating celebrities agreeing with each other while a small on-screen box displays a Republican shaking his head silently.
As of press time lawmakers were drafting an amendment requiring reality to provide trigger warnings.
Colbert is disgusting and should have been long gone.
I know this is supposed to be parody… but I’m sure the Democrats would approve wholeheartedly… 🤣
Praise comes when you deserve it not demand it!