NEW YORK — Celebrity homelessness advocate Ben Stiller was praised by Hollywood this week after courageously walking straight past a homeless man on his way to a Knicks game, proving once again that true compassion begins immediately after courtside introductions, sources have confirmed.
Stiller, who has spent years urging fellow New Yorkers to “do something” about homelessness, reportedly demonstrated the preferred celebrity-left approach by noticing the issue, feeling deeply about it, and continuing toward premium seating.
“This is what advocacy looks like,” said one entertainment analyst.
“You walk past the problem, attend the game, then post something vague tomorrow about systems.”
Witnesses say Stiller briefly locked eyes with the man and gave him what they described as his signature “Blue Steel” expression, as if a computer programmed entirely with Zoolander quotes had briefly calculated empathy before returning an error message.
“It was eerie,” said one bystander.
“For a second, he looked less like Ben Stiller and more like the Derelicte supercomputer from Zoolander. You could almost hear him processing, ‘But why male models?’ before continuing toward the VIP entrance.”
Witnesses say Stiller then heroically transferred the moral responsibility to ordinary taxpayers, city workers, small businesses, and anyone without playoff tickets.
“He cares so much,” said one progressive consultant.
“Not personally, obviously. But structurally. Spiritually. From a safe distance near the celebrity entrance.”
The Knicks reportedly honored Stiller with a moment of silence for the difficult eight seconds he spent confronting inequality before security opened the VIP door.
After the game, Stiller reminded New Yorkers they must do more, especially the ones not busy sitting close enough to hear sneakers squeak.
As of press time, Hollywood had nominated him for a humanitarian award after learning he almost stopped walking.
Well, his heart was in the right place, it just didn’t tell his wallet, or his mouth.
Whether true or not, the author is a hilarious writer. I’m a homeless advocate from the bleachers myself. I wish the best for them and praise those who run soup lines. I might pitch a buck or two to the organizers, and a periodically a snack and a bottle to panhandler. Sorry, but I don’t give $$ directly to beggars for my own reasons. Regarding my beloved, in film only, superstars, well, I’m only a celebrity fan while they’re on the screen. I have discovered first hand they’re actors off screen as well (not all – I’ve met some genuine human celebrities!!). But to Ben’s defense, minus the Zoolander (Haha) stare, if I had premium tickets to a ball game, I may have not even noticed the poor chap. PS: I haven’t really been. Knick’s fan for a couple of decades. On second thought, I would have given the chap some attention. And my tickets.
Why is there a VIP entrance? Maybe these bandwagon jumping celebs should learn some humility by standing in line with the rest of the dopes who paid thousands for a seat that had a worse view of the game than their free sofa in front of their TV.
PHONIES!!!!