LOS ANGELES — Organizers of the Los Angeles Marathon unveiled a groundbreaking new policy this weekend awarding a “Spirit of Completion” medal to participants who briefly considered running the race before deciding it sounded exhausting.
Race officials explained the change reflects Los Angeles’ commitment to a more compassionate and inclusive approach to athletics.
“Traditional marathons unfairly reward outdated concepts like stamina, preparation, and finishing,” one organizer said.
“Modern competition must acknowledge the emotional labor involved in setting an alarm, locating running shoes, or simply imagining jogging for a moment.”
Under the new system, runners may receive a bronze medal for thinking about attending, silver for driving past the race route, and platinum for hitting the snooze button three times while wearing athletic clothing.
Mayor Karen Bass praised the program as a milestone for fairness in sports.
“This is the first step toward balancing competitive athletics,” Bass said. “If someone didn’t train as hard as you, that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t receive the same rewards.”
California Governor Gavin Newsom echoed the sentiment, calling the reform “a bold reimagining of achievement in a modern, inclusive society.”
Meanwhile, several runners who actually completed the 26.2-mile course arrived at the traditional finish line only to find the medal ceremony had already concluded hours earlier.
Confused finishers reportedly wandered the empty barricades while city officials congratulated themselves on achieving the marathon’s highest completion rate in history.
This is a joke right?
Possibly not!!!
California should be exiled from the USA and be revoked any funds and be on their own, will see how fast they change their tune.
One would expect water to come out of fire hydrants in L.A. but that doesn’t happen either. So this is totally plausible in Californication.
This is the first California shit I’m for…
The only way I’m going 26 miles is driving it !
A silver medal would be good for me !
Yeah…. I’ve won bronze 2 years in a row. That is enough for me. I will hang them above my fireplace and downplay my greatness to company for years to come.
I wonder if we could make a deal with Iran….agree to a cease fire if they would take Kalifornia.
Noooooo. I unfortunately live in this fucked up state. People will oust Newscum, elect a REPUBLICAN and make this state a better place.
So why not just hand out the “Participation Medals” at the starting line? Then everyone gets to go home early.