WASHINGTON — The White House issued a statement today informing the public that when the time comes to pick current Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre’s successor, the candidate will be so gay the public simply won’t be able to comprehend it.
“We think finding the gayest person we can for the job is a wonderful decision,” said Nancy Pelosi, decked out in a sweatsuit that said ‘I’M GAY TOO’ across the front. “I mean, can you think of a better way to pick candidates for some of the most important jobs we have than by various details about their social life that we’ve deemed to matter? I sure can’t.”
Many citizens were skeptical of the White House’s announcement.
“I don’t know what’s sadder,” said Blake Romero, a local independent voter. “Democratic leaders that think handing undeserving people jobs based on optics and perceived diversity or democratic voters lapping that shit up and thinking it counts as progress. It’s shallow and insulting, if you ask me. They should just hire their kids like everybody else.”
As of press time, the White House confirmed that the new as-yet-unnamed gay press secretary will still also be super into insider trading and bombing countries in the Middle East.
