WASHINGTON — As millions of Americans celebrated the nation’s 250th Independence Day with fireworks, parades, backyard cookouts, and enough grilled hot dogs to alarm several cardiologists, people from around the world reportedly joined in wishing America a happy birthday, sources have confirmed.
From World Cup visitors filling American streets to families watching fireworks from overseas, messages poured in celebrating a nation that has spent two and a half centuries proving free people can build extraordinary things.
According to sources, the celebration briefly confused America’s socialist activists, who were stunned to discover millions of people around the globe voluntarily liked the United States.
“This can’t be right,” one activist reportedly gasped. “Have they not read the internet?”
Meanwhile, visitors from Japan, France, Romania, the United Kingdom, Brazil, and dozens of other countries smiled, waved American flags, and joined Fourth of July festivities while thanking locals for the hospitality.
Undeterred, several socialist organizers allegedly proposed an emergency International Redistribution Summit where every country celebrating America’s birthday would first be required to “share their prosperity equally.”
The proposal reportedly collapsed after attendees asked who would be volunteering to give up theirs first.
Across America, however, the answer was simpler: families gathered, neighbors laughed, veterans were thanked, and children chased fireworks beneath a sky painted red, white, and blue.
As of press time, the socialist planning committee had reportedly demanded that America’s birthday cake be divided equally before admitting everyone seemed happier just passing another slice.
