U.S. News
MLB Warns Players Bible Verses May Create Unsafe Environment For People Wearing Corporate-Sponsored Morality Patches
NEW YORK — Major League Baseball entered emergency inclusion mode this week after several players reportedly wrote Bible verses on...
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SPLC Announces New Anti-Hate Strategy: Accidentally Send Donor Money Directly To The Hate
MONTGOMERY, AL — The Southern Poverty Law Center was thrown into damage control this week after reports alleged a former...
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Robert De Niro Compares Loving America To Abusive Marriage, Immediately Clarifies He Is Still The Victim In Every Metaphor
NEW YORK — Robert De Niro reportedly confused even his own publicist this week after comparing loving America to loving...
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Hillary Clinton Criticizes UFC At White House Before Remembering What Her Husband Did In There
WASHINGTON — Hillary Clinton attempted to dunk on President Trump’s Freedom 250 UFC celebration at the White House this week,...
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Obama Center Contractors Reportedly Begin Dismantling Presidential Center After Learning Hope And Change Don’t Clear Invoices
CHICAGO — Contractors working on the Obama Presidential Center reportedly began making contingency plans this week after learning they were...
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Mamdani Shocked To Learn New Yorkers Climbing Burning Buses Do Not Respect Gentle Socialist Suggestions
NEW YORK — Mayor Zohran Mamdani was reportedly stunned this week after politely asking New Yorkers to behave during the...
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Leftists Furious SpaceX IPO Made Elon Musk A Trillionaire Before Learning Cafeteria Workers Got Rich Too
AUSTIN, TX — Progressive activists were thrown into emergency class-war confusion this week after learning the SpaceX IPO could make...
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Millionaire Jimmy Kimmel Warns Obscenely Wealthy Weirdo Elon Musk May Become Too Rich For Poor Millionaires To Lecture
HOLLYWOOD — Multimillionaire late-night host Jimmy Kimmel warned America this week that Elon Musk may become an “obscenely wealthy weirdo,”...
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Homelessness Advocate Ben Stiller Heroically Walks Past Homeless Man To Attend Knicks Game And Raise Awareness Later
NEW YORK — Celebrity homelessness advocate Ben Stiller was praised by Hollywood this week after courageously walking straight past a...
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Democrats Discover Their Veteran Candidate Has One Small Problem: Veterans Can Hear Him Talk
PORTLAND, ME — Democrats rushed to defend Graham Platner this week after Purple Heart recipient Pfc. Ted Daniels criticized the...
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